nighttime january 6

received a package from England today,
desiring clarity and peace,
drinking tea and wishing it was decaffeinated coffee,
tired and fevers for no reason,
checking out more than i could ever read at the library,
dreaming vividly. too vividly actually.
having my heart full and few ways to express it,
neither here nor there, just sitting basically
transferring highlights from one Bible to another,
struggling with coming to terms with the current,
sleeping more than ever,
discovering sweet love in friendships i didn’t expect to,
ready to get back in the swing of things,
striving for more Jesus, finding him in the oddest places,
deciding between two different majors,
settling on both,
constantly making to-do lists and other lists,
wondering if im crazy,
met the most cheerful woman today...she had terminal cancer, 
making small talk in different ways then before,
having the feeling that something wonderful is coming,
seeing & understanding someone i thought i’d never 
see or understand again,
sinking into the deep freeze in the north,
longing to love those who aren’t,
wishing i was at a cabin way up in the woods and solitude,
on the verge of starting about eight new things,
wondering how that will go,
curious about a few certain people,
not wearing anything all week but sweatpants and my sailor shirt,
being assertive in unlikely places,
watching audrey hepburn with my mother,
writing and writing and writing,
trying to be patient even though that is like stalling the sun in the sky,
biting off more than i can chew,
thankful for those who have been sticking close and understand me,
missing my family at northwestern, 
becoming aware that this could stretch for miles.