If you've ever struggled with worry or anxiety in any way, shape, or form in your life, you know that it isn't a feeling you want simply to be put aside and labeled as insignificant. It can hide in the shadows and masquerade as mere concern or possibly stress. It can produce shame and further emotion, and then one ends up worrying about worrying. It can distort things and place an untrue shade of color on everything you feel and see around you. Tonight, this was me. I was standing in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, thinking about the next couple months of my life and feeling very out of control. Being sick is part of it. Everything seems worse when you're tired, I think.
I feel a bit awkward writing this post, like I'm a little girl admitting that I'm scared of monsters in the closet.
I have a lot to look forward to this year: two more months of summer, Seattle and Canada, a new small group at HopeCC, my SAC staff, camping with some high school friends over Labor Day, and a new apartment with three wonderful roommates (and a fourth in the spring, Kirsten!). Even tonight, when I punched out of work on the clock and walked outside, the sky was perfectly clear, and I smelled bonfire on the air. It was beautiful. I drove with the windows down all the way home.
But at the same time, there's a lot of unknowns right now. I feel like such a typical twenty-something, fearing the great big wide world. Actually, I'm not even scared of graduating and finding a job. It's all the other stuff in between, really.
Anyways, too many feelings. Everything is jumbled. I feel like Wendy in Peter Pan when she decides she's been in Neverland too long and that she and John and Michael need to go home, but at the same time, she really doesn't want to.
Torn, that's how I feel.
I feel too vulnerable in this blog. I might delete it. We'll see. It had to come out though, and sometimes it just feels good to be real.